Search Results for: communication skills

Communication skills are important to develop and maintain relationships with friends, family. partners, parents, colleagues etc. (Ahmad, 2016). Communication skills refer not only to what we say and how we say it, but how we hold ourselves and our body language is an important part of communication.

Additionally, how we communicate to ourselves (a critical voice or an encouraging voice) is extremely important in contributing to how we hold ourselves and communicate effectively (Hargie, 2006). Communication can be talking, writing, how we send and receive messages (both internally and externally) and what our body language is saying. Communication occurs in many forms these days and we need various skills to obtain and convey information (Hargie, 2006).

Utilising Communication skills with others

Strong skills in communication mean we are able to convey information to others in a simple and straightforward manner. Breaking down information makes it easier to communicate and understand which can also help to reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

When we are able to understand instruction, develop new skills, make requests, ask questions and relay information, we are demonstrating good communication skills.

Some of the most important communication skills are:

• Emotional intelligence – the ability to understand and manage our emotions to communicate effectively with others. Components of emotional intelligence are Self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management (Ioannidou & Konstantikaki, 2008).
• Clear and concise– communicating the message clearly and concisely is more important than ‘saying the right thing’. Prior to the communication, think about the intention of the communication and the result. When we lack the ability to communicate our messages clearly and concisely, we can become confused, misunderstandings can occur, conflicts and or poor decisions made (Hargie, 2006).
• Friendliness helps– when we are able to communicate in a friendly tone and manner, others will feel encouraged to communicate back. If we communicate in harsh or aggressive manners, our audience is likely to feel anxious, shut down and avoid the communication (Doyle, 2018).
• Confidence– utilise eye contact during the conversation, explain the content that you require, own the fact that you may not have the answer to a particular question or are unsure about a topic, contribute what you can and ask questions (McNatt, 2019).
• Empathy– this involves understanding where the other person is coming from, we respect their views, and we can disagree and still maintain a level of respect. It is important to hear and try to understand others as we would like to be heard and understood (Ioannidou & Konstantikaki, 2008).
• Respect-  if we are respectful of other people’s opinions, ideas etc., this helps to encourage them to communicate with us ((Doyle, 2018).
• Listening– we cannot communicate effectively if we are not actively listening. Engage in the conversation, ask questions and clarify what they are saying to ensure we have understood their message (Liubinien?, 2009).
• Open mind– having an open mind helps us to have empathy and respect the other person’s communication and point of view. We do not always have to agree with the point of view, we can agree to disagree or come to a compromise (Doyle, 2018).
• Tone of voice – our tone of voice is pivotal in a conversation. If we have an aggressive tone, our audience is likely to respond in a similar manner or avoid the interaction (Sethi & Seth, 2009).
• Asking questions– ask open-ended questions to elicit more detail and understanding, and use closed questions to clarify. Asking questions does not mean that you are rude or silly, it shows you wish to understand more or in a different way. (Mehta, 2008).
• Conflict Resolution– we are going to encounter conflict throughout our lives, it is inevitable and miscommunication is generally at the core of it. (Borbely, Graber, Nichols, Brooks-Gunn & Botvin, 2005).
• Assertive communication skills- are important as we do not want to communicate too harshly (and risk having the other person shut down on us) and we don’t want to be too passive and allow others to ‘walk all over us’. Therefore being assertive means that we are powerful and confident without being controlling or forceful (Samfira, 2020).
• Body language- being aware of the message that the way we hold ourselves, our body and our facial expression is sending to the other person/s. Are we closed off (arms folded turned away, looking elsewhere) or open (facing the person, eye contact) to the communication (Bolton, 2009)?

Sometimes we are not aware of how our communication can come across to others and this can result in a conflict of communication as we may become defensive if we receive (perceived) negative feedback about something we have done or conflict due to misunderstandings. Sometimes it is helpful to clarify what the person means if we find ourselves feeling like something doesn’t seem right. Ultimately we need to be (self) aware of how we are communicating with others and never assume that someone else knows what we think, how we feel or assume the tone of text messages coming to us. Clarification and facts will be your best friend when using your communication skills with others.

 Author: Aleah Haffenden, B Soc Wk, Grad Cert Suicide Prevention, AMHSW.

Aleah Haffenden is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, working primarily with young people (aged 15 and up). She takes a client-focused approach, using a mix of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), tailored to their specific needs.

To make an appointment with Aleah Haffenden, use Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Wishart on (07) 3088 5422 or M1 Psychology Loganholme on (07) 3067 9129.

References:

Ahmad, S. R. (2016). Importance of English communication skills. International Journal of Applied Research, 2(3), 478-480.

 

• Bolton, R. (2009). People skills. Simon and Schuster.
• Borbely, C. J., Graber, J. A., Nichols, T., Brooks-Gunn, J., & Botvin, G. J. (2005). Sixth graders’ conflict resolution in role plays with a peer, parent, and teacher. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 34(4), 279-291
• Doyle, A. (2018). Communication skills for workplace success. Retrieved November 19, 2018.
• Hargie, O. (Ed.). (2006). The handbook of communication skills.
• Ioannidou, F., & Konstantikaki, V. (2008). Empathy and emotional intelligence: What is it really about? International Journal of caring sciences, 1(3), 118.
• Liubinien?, V. (2009). Developing listening skills in CLI. Kalb? studijos, (15), 89-93
• Mehta, P. N. (2008). Communication skills-talking to parents. Indian pediatrics, 45(4), 300.
• McNatt, D. B. (2019). Enhancing public speaking confidence, skills, and performance: An experiment of service-learning. The International Journal of Management Education, 17(2), 276-285.
• Samfira, E. M. (2020). Assertive Communication Skills in Universities. Educa?ia Plus, 26(1), 361-373.
• Sethi, D., & Seth, M. (2009). Interpersonal communication: Lifeblood of an organization. IUP Journal of Soft Skills, 3.

When it comes to conflict in couples – could it really be a communication problem at heart?

In 90% of cases when a couple comes into my office for the first time, I will hear some version of the following:.

“We have a communication problem”; or, “We just don’t communicate anymore”.

But is communication the real issue? Is it just a matter of how we are talking to each other, or is it a bit more complicated than that?

In this short article I’d like to share that in my experience of seeing many couples (and families), that while there usually is a communication issue, rarely is it just that.

Don’t get me wrong; communication is absolutely crucial and as I have written elsewhere (see my article “Is Divorce Just around the Corner?”), a couple’s communication is a key indicator as to whether they are about to separate.

Indeed, the words we use in our relationships tell us a lot about us as a person (see my article “The Power of Words in a Family”), and that is exactly what I’d like to highlight in this article; that sometimes where those words come from, is the underlying issue.

Have a think back to when you first became a couple; those wonderful days when everything was just fine and dandy. The sun was shining and the birds singing! Little or no conflict, and everything just seemed to be smooth sailing.

That is, until some storms came out of nowhere and ruined everything.

After a while, the magic ‘wore off’, and you found yourself irritated, angry or depressed in your relationship. What happened? There are lots of reasons why this occurs.

One of them is simple hormones flooding your system in the early days, softening up the emotions.

Another is that when you fall in love (or you think you are), you tend to be on your best behaviour and limit your bad habits from showing.

So what happens then, when you find yourself getting more and more irritated or wanting to avoid your partner? What is that?

Let me give you a hint; it’s always been there – before, during and after your relationship. It’s you! Does that sound harsh? Don’t let it worry you. Let me explain.

For all of us, the way we communicate to our loved ones is determined by many things, but especially by the quality of relationships when we were young.

For example, if you were raised in a secure, stable home, with an intact family, one where problems were sorted out in a calm, mature manner, and the relationships were restored even after some conflict, then the chances are, your communication skills are going to be fairly good.

On the other hand, if the family you grew up in had too much conflict that went unresolved, where there was lots of anger and no-one felt safe or loved, or there were complicating factors such as alcoholism or abuse, then that most certainly can impact how you resolve conflict with your partner.

Our family of origin doesn’t have to be toxic for there to be communication problems between partners either. Sometimes we marry people who come from very different family backgrounds to ourselves, and the differences just need to be made explicit and worked through.

Communication Problems in Marriage: the underlying issue?

However, overall, if there are significant communication issues and especially if there is a high level of conflict, it usually suggests that each person in the relationship is triggering the other person and a cycle of conflict ensues.

We all have wounds from our pasts to varying degrees; some more, some less. These unresolved wounds make us vulnerable and feel hurt in our relationships. It ‘stings’ and we think that the other person has purposefully tried to ignore us or hurt us.*  Here’s an example:

John came from an angry alcoholic family where if things became too heated, he left the house to be with friends. He learnt to get his emotional downtime via physical distance when the stress in the home got too much. Consequently, John has a low tolerance for conflict as he never learnt the skills to manage stress. He also has lots of hobbies outside the home.

Mary on the other hand, came from a family that wasn’t violent, but very emotionally distant. She would often work extremely hard at school and get good grades so her parents would notice her. She never really felt attached to her family either.

After the honeymoon period was over, John and Mary started having difficulties in their relationship. The more Mary tried to pursue John and talk to him about what was wrong, the more he would avoid her. He says Mary “nags”, while Mary says John “clams up”.

In reality, they are both acting out the scripts they were given when they were young. This will continue until Mary understands John’s need for distance when stressed, and John understands Mary’s need for affection when she feels insecure.”

So, is this an example of a communication problem in marriage? Yes, it is, but there also needs to be some understanding of what’s driving the communication problem in the first place. When that happens, addressing a couple’s communication issues will be much easier.

Author: Dr David Ward, BSocWk, BA., Grad Dip (Couple Thpy), M.Couns., MPhil., PhD.

Dr David Ward is an experienced therapist who continues to see many couples and families. He has seen many times the impact of our earlier years on our present-day relationships.

To make an appointment try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call M1 Psychology Loganholme on (07) 3067 9129 or Vision Psychology Wishart on (07) 3088 5422.

*In relationships where there is violence, this does occur though. An abusive perpetrator will use violence to control and manipulate and they do so on purpose. What I am talking about in this article is when a couple wound each other out of their unresolved hurt; not when an individual willingly and knowingly uses emotional or physical pain to control another.

 

Presentation of Depression and Anxiety

Depression and anxiety are well-defined psychological conditions, however, the symptoms may be different for everyone. It doesn’t matter your age, gender, socioeconomic status, cultural background, or intellectual capacity, we may all experience depression and anxiety at some stage throughout our lives. Whether it be the loss of a job, a loved one, sickness and ill health the emotions which this brings about can become very difficult to process, understand, and respond to.

Different biological, psychological, and social situations often contribute to someone developing both depression and anxiety. When working with people with an intellectual disability, it is important to be mindful that they may experience greater difficulty expressing complex emotions like depression, anxiety, and also anger.

In these situations, the emotional experience of a person with an intellectual disability can often be best understood through observation of both behaviours and mood. Sudden changes in behaviour, or the inability to engage in activities which were previously enjoyed, are important signs of changes to one’s emotional health and mental state that may need to be closely monitored.

Similar to depression, anxiety can be defined by low mood, irritability, fatigue, aggressive or avoidant behaviour, and being easily upset. The signs and symptoms may present differently so it is important to be aware and sensitive to more subtle changes in behaviour.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Treatment in People with Intellectual Disabilities

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a collaborative approach to therapy whereby the client and therapist work to identify thought, behaviour and mood links. Behavioural strategies are taught and practiced within session for the client to then use in everyday life and stressful situations. For therapy to be most effective the therapist may need to adjust their communication and delivery of the traditional CBT model. When the necessary modifications in therapeutic approach and communication style, CBT has been found to be an effective intervention for people with an intellectual disability whom are experiencing depression and anxiety particularly when the therapeutic relationship when characterised by warmth, empathy and personal validation.

Communicating in the Therapeutic Setting

One important consideration when working with people with an intellectual disability is the complex nature of their communication needs. Clients may have a reduced vocabulary, experience difficulty forming sentences, have reduced understanding of concepts, and may require greater processing time. To further complicate therapy, the cognitive ability will vary greatly from person-to-person.

A therapist trained in working with people with an intellectual disability, will have the appropriate skill set to utilise CBT in a way that is effective in achieving emotional and behavioural change for a client. It is also important to consider the characteristics of a therapist that your loved one or client will connect with.

Therapeutic Characteristics and Approach

Regardless of the level of disability or the amount of technical modification required to engage in therapy, the therapist should keep the following interpersonal skills in mind.

Warmth – convey warmth through encouragement and offering positive reinforcement where appropriate; coupled with an empathetic, informal and friendly style.

Genuineness – Honesty without being overly harsh or judgemental. It is very important when working with this population group that directness isn’t misinterpreted as criticism or hostility. This is made more difficult as people with depression are more likely to focus on negative.

Rapport Building & Therapeutic Alliance – Developed rapport building to ensure the client feels secure and begins to trust their therapist. This is one of the most important first steps to ensure the benefits of therapy.

Accurate therapy – As the therapist develops an understanding of how to the client sees and feels about themselves, they will begin to be able to understand how the client feels, processes and responds to events. This is essential to developing rapport and engaging effectively in therapy.

If you know of someone with an intellectual disability who is showing signs that they may be experiencing emotional or psychological difficulties, then they may benefit from working with a therapist experienced with clients with an intellectual disability.

To arrange an appointment with Paul Carver, call (07) 3088 5422  or you can book MMH online.

References:

• Carr, A., Dr. (2007;2014;). The handbook of intellectual disability and clinical psychology practice. New York;London;: Routledge. doi:10.4324/9781315820170
• Hassiotis, A., Serfaty, M., Azam, K., Strydom, A., Martin, S., Parkes, C.. . King, M. (2011). Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) for anxiety and depression in adults with mild intellectual disabilities (ID): A pilot randomised controlled trial. Trials, 12(1), 95-95. doi:10.1186/1745-6215-12-95
• McGillivray, J., McCabe, M., & Kershaw, M. (2008) Depression in people with intellectual disability: An evaluation of a staff-administered treatment program. Research in Developmental Disabilities, 29, 524-536.
• Pert, C., Jahoda, A., Stenfert Kroese, B., Trower, P., Dagnan, D., & Selkirk, M. (2013). Cognitive behavioural therapy from the perspective of clients with mild intellectual disabilities: A qualitative investigation of process issues: What clients with intellectual disabilities say about CBT. Journal of Intellectual Disability Research, 57(4), 359-369. doi:10.1111/j.1365-2788.2012.01546.x

By the time that most couples come to see me – or any other relationship therapist – for help, they are a long way down the track to a broken relationship.

It is rare to see a “happy” couple who come for help in making their relationship better, or who want to focus on developing skills in preventing difficulties later on. Mostly, we will see couples whose troubles have started years ago. Indeed, more often than not the difficulties that they are having are based in patterns of relating and communicating that were present at the very start of the relationship.

Difficulties in relationships can be traumatic and disturbing, mainly because people are profoundly social beings. We grow and develop in relationship – with our mothers, fathers and siblings. We are all born with particular temperaments, the building blocks for personality, which are innate (built in) to us. Our personalities form through the interaction of our temperament with our environment – through our relationships with others. A key relationship issue is attachment – a concept that describes the relationship pattern (needs, strategies, and vulnerabilities) which is formed through the intersection between our temperament and the temperament, personalities and attachment patterns of those who care for us.

Attachment Patterns and Trust

Attachment patterns are critical to the development of core beliefs and values about fundamental issues of safety, trust and survival. Our basic certainties about who is safe, what is safe, who can be trusted, whether we are at risk and what information we will use to make these judgments, is formed through the history of our attachment relationships.

Once we reach adulthood and begin to form relationships with other people, we bring to that endeavour a foundation of deeply ingrained, and largely unconscious, fears, certainties, beliefs and values which we use to evaluate and judge our safety and wellbeing through relationship cues. Given the enormous variety of experiences that you and your partner will have had as you have grown to be whom you are, and given the basic survival issues that are inherent in relationship patterns, there is fertile ground for couples to develop both deep love and commitment – and deep distrust and fear.

Frequently a couple will come in to therapy because one partner is ahead of the other on a journey to separation. More often than not it is the woman in an opposite sex couple who is some 12 months to 2 years ahead of her partner, in coming to a decision that the relationship should end.

Generally, the decision to seek counselling is part of a last-ditch effort to “save” the relationship. The partner who is bringing the couple in to counselling will have suggested professional help well before the couple show up. The other partner will have refused, promised that they will change without help, or insisted that the couple can “do it themselves”. The journey for the most concerned partner will have been similar to a grief experience. They will have engaged in distress/shock, anger, disbelief/denial, bargaining, and ultimately resignation to an inevitable end.

How Relationship Counselling can help

None of this means that relationship therapy will not help the couple to stay together. It just makes the process harder and longer-term, depending on where both partners are on the journey in the relationship, on what attachment patterns are being played out, and on what their core patterns of communication and relating are within the relationship.

Sometimes the goal will not be to stay together, but rather how to separate in the most respectful and civil manner. If this becomes the intent of therapy it can be incredibly difficult, as the hurt and grief of the ending of a relationship is worked through by one or both partners. These emotions can be so raw and painful that people’s abilities to contain and soothe themselves are overwhelmed. The job of therapy becomes containment and support until one or both people are able to look after themselves again.

Stay or Separate?

Either way, working on a relationship in therapy, whether to build it up from a difficult position – or to get to a point where people can agree to go their own ways – is worthwhile.

I often think that the partners that we choose provide us with the difficulties and challenges which will help us to grow more fully in to the person that we can become. The conflicts and hurts in a relationship are the result of the threats that we feel to who we fundamentally are at that point. If we can tolerate the harm that we feel is being done to us, we have an opportunity to manage and fine tune our basic relational needs and attachment patterns in order to become more resilient and resourceful. It’s a rough process and one in which we all too frequently fail. My job, as a relationship therapist, is to help to identify the threats, explore their foundation, and discover other ways of understanding what might be happening. This is a tough job as it is done in a highly charged situation under emotionally fraught circumstances.

Couples Communication

One of the things that always surprises me when I am with couples is how quickly they communicate. I shouldn’t be surprised as it happens within every couple and family that I have ever seen. But it is a striking and remarkable phenomenon. It is something that gives truth to the belief that as couples live together longer they end up finishing each others sentences. When people have been together, even for a short while, they build up patterns of communicating and relating that are based on their shared history. Much of their relating to each other is redundant, it has happened in the same way with the same words and gestures, with the same intention over and over again. So, of course, they develop shorthand ways of patterning their communication.

Much of this is unconscious and non-verbal. Even the couple themselves are not aware of their rapid communication strategies. Often a fight or argument feels new because although it is the same stuff over and over again, perhaps with a new content, the sharp and intense emotions make it as meaningful and as threatening as the first times when this was happening.

The reason that couples can become stuck in a repetitive pattern is that the issues threaten them at the basic level of relational and attachment needs. Simple and trivial matters become the basis for arguments and disagreements which express basic fears and hurts, at the foundation of each person’s way of being in the world. No wonder that a disagreement about putting bins out can become a relationship breaking dispute that sometimes grinds on for years!

Negative Relationship Patterns

John Gottman, a researcher in the field of couples relationships, has identified four patterns in communication that drive relationships into more and more negative patterns.

Each of these can be understood as one or other side of a blame/attack-defend/explain pattern cycle. Such cycles are common in any relationship and, in general, can be worked through when parties have trust, goodwill, good communication, and a sense of fair play.

Where couples have developed distrust, use unfair fighting tactics, or have poor communication patterns, these negative patterns of communicating around conflictual issues will arise.

1. Criticism

Criticism is of course part of any relationship. However it is important to distinguish between “normal” complaints (Argh. You’ve left the toilet lid up again!), which tend to be specific to a situation, and more personalised criticism (You left the toilet lid up! Again! You are such an idiot. You’re like a kid! I’m always having to clean up after you! I’m not your mother!) The cause of the complaint may be the same, but in relationships where there are entrenched problems, the tendency is to attack the person rather than dealing with the cause.

2. Contempt

Contempt can be anything from hostile humour to eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking, or any other means of communication that expresses disgust with your partner.

It is the one form of communication pattern between partners that best indicates serious trouble in the relationship. The behaviour is demeaning to the other partner, and makes conflict resolution very difficult because it is hard to commit to creating a solution to a problem if the partner feels attacked and belittled. This sort of communication is a big red flashing light in relationship therapy. It usually indicates a relationship full of long-standing negative feelings that have not been addressed. Unless those feelings can be addressed and worked through, the marriage is unlikely to survive.

3. Defensiveness

A natural reaction to feeling criticised or treated with contempt by a partner is to respond defensively. But in a relationship, defensiveness has major negative consequences. Being defensive indicates that you think you’ve done nothing wrong, that it’s not your fault, that the other person (or someone else) is to blame. It leads away from apologies, repair, and reconciliation into more of a blaming cycle. A pattern of attack/defend pulls partners apart, making it more likely that they will blame, criticise, and demean each other. It blocks the possibility for couples to work with each other more reasonably in trying to understand each other’s feelings.

4. Stonewalling

This approach to conflict often occurs later on in relationships. More frequently than not this is a pattern that is most common to men.

Stonewalling is a reaction to frequent, long-term conflict in a marriage and involves a radical withdrawal from the other partner. Rather than getting caught up in conflict, the stonewalling partner checks out emotionally and (often) physically. The stonewalling partner tends to behave as though there is no argument happening. They avoid confrontation and conflict by avoiding being around their partner. They respond mildly and unemotionally to intense conflict. They essentially take a radically passive and avoidant approach whenever an argument develops. Rather than dealing with issues and trying to find solutions, couples in this sort of pattern become stuck in a frustrating chase and retreat.

Of course, these are just some of the patterns of communication that develop in difficult relationships. One thing that is most important to recognise is that the pattern is rarely, if ever, one way. Two people are necessarily involved and each person’s response to the other is based on the other person’s response to them. There is no real beginning or end.

One of the primary objectives in relationship therapy is to identify these patterns of communication, and help couples to try out different and more respectful ways of communicating. This is more or less difficult depending on the amount of conflict, how long the couple have been in conflict, and whether there is a basic goodwill to attempt to make a change. But, if there is a commitment to doing things differently, relationship therapy is remarkably effective.

It can be tough and traumatic work, but the reward of helping people to flourish rather than wither is well worth it. After nearly thirty years of working in relationship therapy, I still find it fascinating and deeply satisfying, despite the fact that it can also be heartbreaking when I am unable to help.

Author: Dr Alistair Campbell, BA (Hons), M Psych (Clinical), PhD.

Dr Alistair Campbell is currently not available at Vision or M1 Psychology.

To make an appointment with someone who has similar expertise, call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422.

Assertiveness is a communication style that allows you to express your opinion in a clear and direct way. Assertive communication acknowledges and respects the needs and rights of yourself and others.

Learning to be an assertive communicator can sometimes be confusing or challenging because, like aggressive communication it involves standing up for yourself. When learning to be an assertive communicator it can be helpful to first understand other modes of communication:

• Aggressive communication: Is intimidating, forceful and does not consider the needs, rights or feelings of others. It can involve shouting, yelling or physically abusing others, threatening people and bullying, intimidating or ignoring the rights of others to get what you want. Communicating aggressively can feel powerful and seem effective because others may fear you and do what you want them to. This approach to communicating and meeting needs however does not facilitate true collaboration, nor promote the health of the relationships involved. It can even motivate others to undermine you in covert ways, or plot to ‘bring you down’.

Example: A customer at a restaurant orders his steak rare. The waiter gives him a well-done steak. The customer yells at the waiter saying ‘You are an idiot! Did you not hear me order my steak rare? Take this back and get me a new one’.

• Passive communication: Is submissive, deferent and tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others. Passive communication tends to involve not standing up for your rights, not setting boundaries, putting others needs and rights before your own, difficulty saying no and conflict avoidance. This communication style can lead to reduced feelings of self-worth.

Example: An individual is asked by her colleague if she can finish the filing before she goes home for the day. The individual doesn’t really have time but says yes even though she has to go to a meeting, follow up on phone calls, order office materials and write a letter all before she goes home.

•  Passive-aggressive communication: Is a style of communication in which you appear passive or even pleasant on the surface but you are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect way. It can involve muttering to yourself rather than confronting the person or issue, using facial expressions that don’t match how you feel, withdrawing love and affection, using sarcasm or humour to be nasty or hurtful.

Example: A child is annoyed by what her mum is telling her so she says ‘fine’ and withdraws from the argument. She uses this phrase to express her anger indirectly and to shut down direct, emotionally honest communication.

The assertive style of communication allows you to clearly and openly express your needs, wants, feelings and opinions in a way which is respectful to yourself and others. The advantages of using assertive communication, over other communication styles, in dealing with others include:

• Your needs, wants and feelings are more likely to be understood
• You are more likely to get what you want
• People respect open and honest communication
• No one’s feelings are hurt intentionally
• Both parties are more likely to feel respected and heard
• You experience fewer negative conflicts
• You are more likely to feel independent and in control of your own life
• Improved confidence and self-worth
• Relationships may be strengthened
• Increased job satisfaction and professional opportunities
• Decreased levels of anxiety and tension

Developing your assertive communication skills

Like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn and develop. It involves making changes to your thoughts, beliefs and behaviour and learning to value your own worth. Some suggestions to start you on your journey to more effective communication include:

• Decide that you want to be an assertive communicator, develop goals and commit to a plan for putting your knowledge and skills into practice.
• Explore your own beliefs. Do you think you have a right to your feelings? Work on giving yourself that right. It is okay to feel angry, to say no, to ask for help and to make mistakes.
• Once a plan has been developed, it can be useful to practice the skills alone or in a supportive environment. Role playing with a friend or family member may be helpful to gain constructive feedback on content, body language and tone of voice.
• Before communicating your message, determine what outcome you are hoping to achieve or what you are hoping to avoid.
• Communicate your message in a clear, concise and factual manner. Start by describing the situation, express what you think and feel, specify your request and specify the positive and negative consequences.
• Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others.
• Use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel upset’. This allows you to take ownership in expressing your thoughts and feelings rather than making the statements accusatory such as ‘You never listen to me’.
• Maintain direct eye contact, keep an open and relaxed posture and ensure your facial expression is congruent with your message.
• When saying ‘no,’ be decisive and explain why you are refusing but don’t be overly apologetic.
• Listen and don’t interrupt
• Take a problem solving approach and seek solutions that will meet both your needs and the needs of the other person.

Being assertive means being able to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings and advocating your rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication increases your likelihood of getting what you want, avoiding conflict and maintaining good relationships. Learning to be assertive takes time and practice. Having the support and guidance of a friend, family member or therapist can help assist you in integrating these skills into your everyday communication.

Authors: Vision Psychology

To make an appointment try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422.

References

Balzer-Riley, J. (2012). Communications in Nursing, (7th ed.). St Louis, MO: Elsevier Mosby.

Bolton, R. (1986). People skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others and resolve conflicts. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Kolb, S. M., & Stevens Griffith, A. C. (2009). “I’ll Repeat Myself, Again?!” Empowering Students through Assertive Communication Strategies. Teaching Exceptional Children, 41(3), 32-36.

Morrissey, J., & Callaghan, P. (2011). Communication Skills for Mental Health Nurses. Birkshire: Open University Press.

Smith, M. J. (1975). When I say No I feel Guilty: How to Cope Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. New York: Bantam books.

Sundel, S., & Sundel, M. (1980). Be Assertive: A Practical Guide for Human Service Workers. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications.

 

Unfortunately bullying is something that has occurred throughout time, but today there is a growing movement to say NO to bullying.

Bullying occurs in kindergarten, prep, primary school, high school, the community, aged care homes, online and in workplaces where people aged 15-65 experience bullying from other adults.

What is Bullying?

Bullying is an intentional act of causing harm and unhappiness to other people via harassment, physical assaults, cyberbullying and other subtle methods of manipulation and coercion. Harassment can be via physical, verbal and / or emotional means (Sullivan, 2010).

Its a pattern of behaviour of a person who has difficulty controlling anger, resentment and/or aggression – lacking social skills they choose to place their aggression, social dominance and power upon another. Some of the tactics that bullies use involve: criticism, exclusion, ridicule, teasing etc.

Bullying at School

Despite teachers’ best efforts, there is minimal or nil adult supervision in the school environment which expands the bully’s opportunities (Green, Collingwood & Ross, 2010). The bullying may be the actions of one or a group of students excluding, isolating and taking advantage of another. It’s much more difficult to defend yourself and more intimidating when outnumbered.

Who could be considered a Bully?

In relation to children, the child bully would be seen to enjoy pushing others around, choosing to engage in this behaviour regularly. They will have a negative sense of self therefore become aggressive with others, from the very first indication that they are not in control and have little power over a situation. Generally children who are bullies may have learning difficulties and / or have difficult home environments (Sullivan, 2010).

A young person bullying others is generally asserting a high level of social dominance, control, power and influencing others, the aim being for victims to perceive they are powerless and weak.

What is bullying behaviour to be on the lookout for?

Bullying occurs in 2 ways: direct and indirect bullying.

Indirect bullying: includes socially isolating a person until they submit. This may involve the bullies spreading rumours, excluding from the group/activity, bullying other students to not socialise, criticising personal appearance/capabilities, name calling, ignoring the person’s existence, staring, laughing at and telling jokes about the person (Eslea, 2010).

Direct bullying: includes physical aggression such as shoving, pushing, hitting, kicking, strangling, scratching, biting, punching, throwing objects etc  (Eslea, 2010).

To break it down even further, the following can be considered bullying behaviours:

• Physical – kicking, hitting, spitting, throwing objects, and stealing, hiding or damaging another’s property
• Gestures – isolating and / or threatening the person by using gestures to show that one is unwelcomed
• Verbal – using insulting language, name calling, verbal abuse, spreading foul rumours, teasing, taunting
• Cyber bullying – using online forums to exclude, and degrade a person (SMS, email, chat rooms, social media etc)
• Racial – being targeted and made fun of due to racial identity
• Sexual harassment – physical, verbal threats and or jokes of a sexual nature

Why Do Kids Bully others?

Children can become bullies for reasons such as:

• Frustration – sometimes children can be frustrated and remain so as the source of the frustration may not be known yet. Some difficulties they may have can include: dyslexia, autism, hearing, other learning difficulties, allergies, etc. The child may not be performing to the level the school requires or that their peers are, and feel frustrated and inferior.
• Bullying because they were bullied – the bullied child may have alerted those in their world, however nil interventions could see the child begin to exhibit aggressive behaviours in order to survive.
• Inappropriate role modelling – one or both parents in the home environment may not have learned appropriate behaviour skills to teach their child; or they may be absentee/neglecting emotional and behavioural development.
• The child may be experiencing abuse in their home – bullying can be their (only) way of expressing anger, power and dominance.
• Being part of the crowd – the child may be going along with the crowd to avoid being targeted themselves.
• Low self confidence – the idea that tearing someone else down will help them to feel better about themselves (power and control).
• Getting what they want – they may have learned that this is effective in getting them what they want eg attention, favours, not having to complete a difficult task etc.
• Lack of social skills – inability to communicate feelings and needs to respond to a situation (violence is generally used when there are poor verbal communication skills)
• At the more extreme end, conduct disorder – conduct disorder can lead to antisocial, psychopathic or other personality disorder (Guerra, Williamson  & Sadek, 2012).

The Impacts of Being Bullied

Those who experience being bullied also experience suffering, which interferes with social and emotional development. The suffering of some can be so extreme that they have attempted suicide rather than to continue enduring the harassment.

Social dominance and submission is what bullying is about, and this can be life altering because we are shaping who we are and our understanding of the world around us during our early years and adolescent experiences (Arseneault, Bowes & Shakoor, 2010). These bullying experiences affect the person’s emotional, psychological, social and physical growth and can be a very  traumatic experience as they do not feel safe.

A young person is being taught that they are different from their peers, that different is a ‘bad’ thing and this can begin a negative self-talk that they are not good enough, have a dysfunctional sense of self, low self-esteem and low self -orth.

Those who have experienced bullying may become withdrawn, adopting a passive communication style and avoiding conflict as much as possible. They are not able to put up or enforce personal boundaries to keep them healthy and safe, they struggle to stand up for themselves, and do not put their ideas, thoughts or feelings forward as they fear conflict or rejection.

Those who have been bullied may experience anxiety (physical symptoms consisting of nausea, vomiting, body pain, upset stomach headaches etc).

Young people’s level of self esteem, resilience, confidence, coping skill and understanding will impact how they react to bullying.

What Kids can do to avoid be a victim of Bullying:

• Travel in a group (organise to go with your friends to events rather than on your own, this limits a bully’s opportunity to target you) 
• If you react to the bully with distress, this gives them what they are looking for. If you ignore it, do not engage, they do not get the reaction they are wanting
• Hold your confidence – stand up straight, walk purposefully, make brief eye contact with those around you. It’s a way you can say no to bullying, without saying a word.This will give the persona that you are not intimidated, therefore more difficult for bullies to crack. Importantly – fake it until you make it! You may not feel confident … but others don’t know that. Additionally, holding your physical self in this manner may help to build confidence.
• If the bullying does occur, report it to teachers and a parent/guardian.
• MOST IMPORTANTLY – you are not the problem, the bully has a problem (Miller & Lowen, 2012).

Involving Parents

Parents generally know their younger children better than they know themselves, they are aware of temperament and behaviour patterns therefore will notice when there is a change of mood/attitude/behaviour.

Parents are not able to attend school with the child or ‘bubble wrap’ the child to protect them from bullying or other life adversities. However by being responsive to their child’s needs, having open communication, and involvement in their child’s education, hobbies, interests etc encourages the child to develop into a friendly, kind human. If bullying does happen, it is generally best to be addressed by parents, the school and counsellors.

Parents can help by:

• Being responsive to the child’s needs
• Teaching the child effective interpersonal and social skills (making friends, enforcing boundaries and assertive when needed)
• Role modelling non aggressive behaviours in daily relationships and interactions (children learn by example)
• Collaborative problem solving (with the school)
• Keeping a record of the bullying incidents
• Contacting the department of education if the school is not responding appropriately (Sullivan, 2010).

Author: Aleah Haffenden, B Soc Wk, Grad Cert Suicide Prevention, AMHSW.

Aleah Haffenden is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, working primarily with young people (aged 15 and up). She takes a client-focused approach, using a mix of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), tailored to their specific needs.

To make an appointment with Aleah Haffenden, try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Wishart on (07) 3088 5422 or M1 Psychology Loganholme on (07) 3067 9129.

References: 

• Arseneault, L., Bowes, L., & Shakoor, S. (2010). Bullying victimization in youths and mental health problems:‘Much ado about nothing’?. Psychological medicine, 40(5), 717-729
• Eslea, M. (2010). Direct and indirect bullying: Which is more distressing. Indirect and direct aggression, 69-84..
• Green, R., Collingwood, A., & Ross, A. (2010). Characteristics of bullying victims in schools. London: Department for Education.
• Guerra, N. G., Williamson, A. A., & Sadek, S. (2012). Youth perspectives on bullying in adolescence. The Prevention Researcher, 19(3), 14-16.
• Miller, C., & Lowen, C. (2012). The Essential Guide to Bullying: Prevention And Intervention. Penguin.
• Sullivan, K. (2010). The anti-bullying handbook. Sage.