So, you have found a guy, and found yourself really liking and spending more time with him.
Over time though, your friends are starting to comment that you don’t seem to have time for them anymore. Perhaps you have noticed yourself that your schedule and your thoughts seem to revolve around him.
Or maybe, the relationship has ended, and you find yourself with no friends left and still thinking about him.
Regardless of the situation, you are designed for community and so the isolation that comes from being obsessed with him can hurt you.
So what can you do about it?
There are several steps involved in reducing the obsession.
1- Acknowledging the Obsession
The first step in dealing with an obsession, is admitting that there is an obsession. Now this is not an easy step to do as it requires you to A. admit there is an issue; and B. admit the issue has gotten out of control.
But what if you are unsure it is an obsession rather than the early stage of the relationship? One option is to ask some of your friends and family if they think it is an obsession. If more than one of them says yes, then you might very well have an obsession.
Another option is to take a look at your schedule and communication history. You might have an obsession if you find most of your texts and social media posts are to or about him, and that texts and posts to other friends and family are reduced.
2 – See if there is a Reason behind the Obsession
Often there is a reason for why we have become obsessed. It could be something as small as being excited that this guy is into you, or it could be larger, like feeling your life is now worth something because that guy likes you.
Regardless, finding out the reason will help you break the cycle of obsession, and find a healthier way of receiving whatever you were receiving from the obsession*.
3 – Spend Time with Others
When we become obsessed about something or someone, we can fall into a pattern of behaviour and thoughts which fuel the obsession. We then need to be intentional about breaking the cycle.
One way to do this is by hanging out with other friends and family, and being intentional about sticking to topics not related to the guy. It also goes without saying – you should avoid spending time on social media or through texts with him when you are with your friends and family.
4 – Allow Him to take the Initiative
A very common reason why we might become obsessed and continually try and build on the relationship, is thinking we need to take the initiative to keep the relationship going. This is not true. A relationship requires both individuals to take the initiative.
Considering this, give him opportunities to take the initiative. Let him be the first one to text in the morning, or be the one to ask you for a date one evening. Now this step can be scary because What if he doesn’t take the initiative? Then it might be this relationship is not the one for you, as it is unfair for you to be the only one trying to keep it going.
5 – Take a Step Back
Take a step back and reassess not just that relationship, but how you find relationships overall. If you have not considered what qualities you want in a guy, then now would be the time. Make a list of the qualities you do want, and those you might be willing to compromise (perhaps they can be more introverted/extraverted than you really want).
6 – Talk to a Relationship Counsellor
Relationships can be tricky and confusing at times, and yet they are so important for our mental health. A counsellor can help you walk through the difficulties and reduce the confusion attached to relationships.
Hannah Jensen-Fielding is a Brisbane relationship counsellor working from a strengths-based integrative approach, as she believes more momentum is gained by looking forward at the future and who we can become. She has a keen interest in providing relationship counselling, for example to women who are still in love with their ex even when he treated them badly.
To make an appointment try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422.
Important Note: Please see a counsellor if potential harm to you or to your friends and family are the reason you find yourself obsessing over a relationship. This sort of relationship is toxic and there is a very good chance you will need support to walk through the obsession.