Dr. John Gottman’s pioneering work in couples therapy has transformed how we understand relationships. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he introduces a concept that’s a little dramatic but incredibly insightful: the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
These “horsemen” are not the end of the world, but they can cause serious trouble in a relationship. They are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Imagine them as unwelcome guests at a party who can ruin the fun if they stick around too long. By recognising and addressing these party crashers, you can keep your relationship strong and healthy.
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Criticism
Imagine a scenario where every disagreement transforms into a scathing assault on your partner’s character or personality. This is criticism. It goes beyond the realm of addressing specific behaviours and instead turns into condemnation of the entire person.
This toxic communication style often manifests itself through phrases such as “you always” or “you never.”
Rather than constructively addressing a particular issue, criticism unmercifully places blame squarely on the individual, effectively setting the stage for conflict to flourish. In the realm of relationships, the prevalence of criticism can erode trust and intimacy, pushing partners further apart instead of fostering healthy dialogue and resolution. Recognising and addressing this destructive pattern is crucial for maintaining a supportive connection with your loved one.
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Contempt
Contempt encompasses a profound sense of disrespect and superiority, whereby one partner adopts a condescending stance towards the other. Contemptuous behaviour manifests in various forms, including the use of sarcasm, name-calling, and belittling gestures. It’s as if one partner perches on a pedestal, gazing down upon their counterpart with disdain and superiority.
Contempt infuses relationships with a venomous poison, nurturing hostility and fostering an environment rife with negativity.
This corrosive emotion not only corrodes the bonds of affection but also chips away at the very foundations of a partnership. Recognising and addressing contemptuous behaviour is essential for promoting a healthy, respectful connection between partners.
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Defensiveness
Defensiveness emerges as a common response when confronted with criticism. Instead of embracing responsibility and acknowledging their contribution to the issue, some individuals instinctively opt for a defensive stance.
This may involve offering excuses, justifying their behaviour, or even launching counterattacks to deflect blame.
The presence of defensiveness can pose a significant barrier to effective communication within a relationship, leaving both partners with a sense of being unheard and a growing frustration. It perpetuates a destructive cycle of blame and finger-pointing, hindering the progress towards resolution and understanding.
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Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner chooses to emotionally shut down during a conversation or an argument.
This response is characterised by withdrawal, emotional unresponsiveness, or even physically leaving the room.
While stonewalling may appear as a defence mechanism aimed at protecting oneself from emotional overwhelm, it has adverse consequences on the dynamics of the relationship, leaving the other partner with a profound sense of abandonment and isolation. Stonewalling acts as a formidable barrier to effective communication and resolution within a relationship. It severs the channels of dialogue, making it nearly impossible to address issues constructively and find common ground.
The emotional disconnect it engenders can intensify feelings of frustration and despair, further straining the bond between partners.
Left unchecked, the Four Horsemen can erode trust, emotional intimacy, and overall satisfaction. The good news is that recognising these destructive patterns is the first step towards combating them. Effective communication, active listening, empathy, and a willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and emotions are essential tools in neutralising the Four Horsemen.
Couples therapy and relationship counselling can be a game-changer for couples struggling with these negative patterns. A skilled therapist provides a safe space where both partners can express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment.
In therapy, couples learn to recognise the Four Horsemen—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—as they appear in their interactions. The therapist then guides them in replacing these destructive behaviours with healthier communication habits. For instance, they might practice using “I” statements to express needs without blame,
Beyond addressing the Four Horsemen, therapy helps couples develop better conflict-resolution skills, improve emotional intimacy, and rebuild trust. By working through issues together, couples can strengthen their bond, making it more resilient to future challenges
In the end, love isn’t about avoiding challenges, it’s about how you handle it.
Navigating difficulties with respect, understanding, and open communication is the key. It’s about turning conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection, rather than letting them drive a wedge between you. With the right tools and mindset, couples can emerge from struggles stronger and more united, building a relationship that’s both resilient and fulfilling.
To book a couples therapy appointment with Sabrina, select Online Booking or call Vision Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3088 5422 for enquire more.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2017). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601-619. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000010