There is something incredibly sad, tragic and sometimes fatal about the conspiracy of silence that the great majority of Australian men find themselves in.
As a general rule our Australian culture does not “permit” men to talk about their problems – their pain; their guilt; their frailties/weaknesses; their worries; their fractured/lost hopes and dreams.
Men’s Counselling?
Robert Hughes, the great Australian internationally acclaimed author (not to be confused with the former star of “Hey Dad!”), explained the principal reason for this phenomenon in his best seller “The Fatal Shore”. He described just how incredibly brutal and brutalising was the experience of the early European pioneers. As a result of the harsh brutality that they experienced, our early European ancestors – particularly the men – learned not to complain, to simply “suck it up” and get on with life as best they could.
This mentality has been passed on down through the generations to our day. It is a feature of most “pioneer cultures”; only very gradually over a few hundred years does this mentality begin to weaken and break down.
In more “settled” cultures with a longer history there are usually less rigid gender roles, and emotional support is more readily available in times of strife. Men in these cultures are not as embarrassed to reach out, admit that they are not coping and ask for help from their loved ones and mates.
Suicide in Men
I said in the opening paragraph, that not only is Australian men’s inability/reluctance to reach out for support, sad – but it can also be fatal. Australian men (particularly in the 18-30 year old age bracket) have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Despite significant decreases (due to the fact that men are finally beginning to enter therapy and/or seek the support of friends and family), suicide still remains the leading cause of death for all Australians between 15 and 34 years of age.
In the Australian macho/mates culture, introspection is discouraged, and seen as feminine – there is a lot of pretense about the need to keep a coping front. This causes a great sense of hidden anxiety and loneliness which itself can’t be expressed.
It is usually quite difficult for men to seek counselling because of their fear of appearing weak and not coping, desperately clinging to the “I’m fine mate” facade. However once they turn up and can be reassured that it is fine not to know all the answers, fine to be unsure, and not the end of the world to admit to inner pain, guilt and failure then there is a tremendous sense of relief – and real progress is possible in their personal lives, and in the roles as a partner and a father.
Real Men Get Help!
So if you are a man and you’re reading this – or if you are a woman with a troubled man in your life – partner, son, brother etc who you are concerned about, know that therapy can be a truly liberating experience. Therapy does not rob a man of his masculinity, it rather frees him to become the sort of partner, father, friend that he longs to be – strong and resilient, but also emotionally intelligent and available – in effect, a real man.
Author: Matthew Ryan, B Psych (Hons), MA (Marriage & Family Therapy).
Matt Ryan is a counsellor with over 25 years of experience, with a keen interest in helping men of all ages to negotiate the various challenges of life and relationships.
To make an appointment with Matthew, you can book online. Alternatively, you can call Vision Psychology Wishart on (07) 3088 5422.