Have you ever felt like you’re your own worst enemy, even when all you want is happiness and stability? For many people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this struggle is deeply familiar.
Self-sabotaging behaviours can feel like an endless cycle – acting against your own best interests, pushing people away when you want connection, or making choices that lead to pain rather than progress. These behaviours often come from a place of deep emotional distress, fear of abandonment, or an attempt to manage overwhelming feelings. If this resonates with you or someone you love, understanding why and how these patterns develop is the first step toward breaking free.
Self-sabotaging behaviours are actions or habits that undermine an individual’s well-being, relationships, or personal goals, even when they consciously want to succeed or improve. In people with BPD these behaviours often stem from intense emotional pain, fear of abandonment, or a need to cope with overwhelming emotions. Here’s a detailed breakdown of why and how this manifests:
1. Root Causes of Self-Sabotaging Behaviours
- Fear of Abandonment: Many with BPD fear being left alone, which may lead them to test relationships or push people away to “prepare” for abandonment. Ironically, this can strain or end relationships.
- Low Self-Worth: They may feel undeserving of love, success, or happiness, leading to behaviours that affirm their negative self-image (e.g., failing to follow through on commitments or deliberately making poor choices).
- Emotional Dysregulation: Intense, unpredictable emotions make it hard to think rationally, resulting in impulsive decisions that lead to regret or self-blame.
- Unresolved Trauma: Past experiences of rejection, abuse, or neglect may unconsciously drive patterns of self-destruction as a coping mechanism or as a way to feel in control.
2. Common Forms of Self-Sabotaging Behaviour
- Impulsivity: Reckless spending, binge eating, substance abuse, or unsafe sexual behaviour may provide temporary relief but create long-term consequences.
- Relationship Testing: Initiating fights or making extreme demands to see if loved ones “really care” often backfires, causing the very rejection they fear.
- Avoidance of Responsibility: Procrastinating or avoiding important tasks can stem from fear of failure or criticism, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt.
- Self-Harm: Acts like cutting or burning may provide a release from emotional pain but reinforce negative cycles of guilt and shame.
- Sabotaging Positive Progress: Dropping out of therapy, quitting a job, or ending a healthy relationship might occur when they fear success or change could lead to eventual disappointment.
3. Why It Is Difficult to Break the Cycle
- Emotional Intensity: The strong emotional waves characteristic of BPD often overpower logical thinking, making it hard to pause and reflect before acting.
- Cognitive Distortions: Negative thought patterns (e.g., “I’m a failure,” “People will always leave me”) create a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces self-sabotage.
- Fear of the Unknown: Even though the behaviour is destructive, it feels familiar and safe. Change, on the other hand, can feel terrifying and unpredictable.
- Lack of Coping Skills: Without healthier strategies to handle emotional distress, self-sabotage may feel like the only available outlet.
4. Strategies for Overcoming Self-Sabotage
- Therapy: Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is highly effective for BPD, focusing on building skills like emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is also effective.
- Recognizing Triggers: Identifying the situations or emotions that lead to self-sabotage can help prevent destructive behaviours.
- Developing Self-Compassion: Learning to challenge critical inner thoughts and practicing self-kindness can improve self-worth and reduce the urge to self-sabotage.
- Building Support Systems: Trusted friends, family, or support groups can offer encouragement and accountability.
- Gradual Change: Small, manageable steps (rather than drastic shifts) can help build confidence and create lasting change.
5. Outlook
Overcoming self-sabotaging behaviours is challenging but possible with the right support and tools. It requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to face uncomfortable emotions. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but each step forward can lead to meaningful improvements in quality of life and relationships.
Why Overcoming Self-Sabotage Matters
Self-sabotage can feel like an unbreakable cycle, but small, intentional changes lead to significant progress. With time and professional support, individuals with BPD can replace these patterns with healthier coping mechanisms, which allows for more fulfilling relationships, personal growth, and emotional stability.
As a certified DBT practitioner, I offer a safe and non-judgmental space to help you manage your symptoms and develop the skills you need to flourish. With empathy and understanding, I will work with you to create a personalised plan that addresses your distinctive needs and goals. Take the step towards healing and growth – contact me to schedule your appointment!
Author: Nenad Bakaj, MHumServ (RehabCouns), BSocWk, DipAppSci (Comm&HumServ), AMHSW, MAAC, MAASW, JP (Qld)
Nenad Bakaj is a Brisbane based Clinical Counsellor, Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, Life Coach and Bigger Bite Out Of Life Trainer with a keen interest in positive psychology, mental health and wellbeing, and is continually developing his professional skills and knowledge. Nenad enjoys working with adolescents and young adults, as well as older clients, and feels it is a privilege to be able to support them.
References:
Kreisman, J. J., & Straus, H. (2021). I hate you – Don’t leave me: Understanding the borderline personality. Penguin Books.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioural treatment of borderline personality disorder. The Guilford Press.
Porr, V. (2010). Overcoming borderline personality disorder: A family guide for healing and change. Oxford University Press. Williams, D. M. (2017). Stop sabotaging: A 31-day DBT challenge to change your life. Independently published.
Wupperman, P. (2019). Treating impulsive, addictive, and self-destructive behaviours: Mindfulness and modification therapy. The Guilford Press.